I have been stressed emotionally lately because I am who I am…but more than just the normal Tamara stress…this stress stems from knowing about people that have lost loved ones. I realize I have lost my Granny and that was INCREDIBLY painful…but I was 34 years old when she died. It doesn’t seem the same as losing my spouse when they are only in their 30’s or losing a child. I am struggling for OTHER families who are going through things I cannot fathom.
Here is my inner struggle…is God allowing me to have a perfect little family because He doesn’t think my faith is strong enough to handle more (and in reality, is that a TRUE statement, IS my faith strong enough??????). Why am I allowed to have a beautiful family while other families struggle with loss? I do NOT want to go through their loss…and I am sure they would NEVER wish it on someone. I just worry that I am not faithful enough…then I worry because I sound like such a selfish brat that I even contemplate these thoughts and then I think how ARROGANT I sound even thinking about these things.
It’s a tangled web of ickiness in my head!
No worries, this is not a minute by minute stream of thought…but the internet makes people ALL over the world connected in ways they weren’t years ago and I am FAR more aware of the loss than I would be without it.
I guess where I am is I need to increase my prayer life. It needs to be intentional. And with that, I also need to be INTENTIONAL about loving this amazing family my Heavenly Father has gifted me with. I am learning. I TRULY see change in myself. Now to continue it.